clear the rusty pipes
and out flows crystal water.
First of all, Happy New Year! ¡Feliz Año Nuevo! Buon Anno!
I hope that ya’ll had wonderful holidays indulging in simple pleasures like cozying up in a warm bed with your loves ones or fur babies and/or spent at least a few hours being mesmerized by the flames of a fire…
I spent time off my phone making and collecting memories with devices that have no network connection — my old Sony camera i bought in 2014 and an old Sony handycam i received in 2017 as part of my master’s program.
A couple things:
#1. If you’ve been keeping up with me, I want to apologize because I said I’d talk about méxico last post and you may be wondering, Vic, what’s the deal? just tell us about your adventure and I need to say this.
for one, i’m sagittarius sun and rising so travel to me isn’t “oh i went to a cool place and these are all the things i did and saw”
rather, every single time i travel dramatically changes my perspective.
in other words, travel is transformational for me.
every single trip, whether it’s 60 or 1,000 miles away.
and sometimes it takes months to process these shifts, to formulate the reflections i come away with…. and because I was staying among family members (and i’m deeply in touch with the story & struggles of my ancestors), the insights i came to were even more profound, more emotional, more of a struggle to make peace with.
i may never share what i’ve learned from my last visit, to be honest.
or maybe i will, i don’t know yet! lol
and i am okay with that. because fuck, there is so much to express and so little time and we have to keep these pipes clear so the flow can keep going.
anyway, time is a muse! as they say.
#2. I am embracing a more casual approach to Latebloomer which fits a bit better with my nonlinear way of moving through the world. the goal is to relax into a writing, be more conversational, and to dismantle the “machine of my own making” which is a formulaic, regurgitated approach to creating that is heavily based on what other people are doing with this app. and productivity (gross!).
fuck that.
if i learned anything in 2024, it’s that the only rules for my self-expression are the ones i create… to be honest, i’ve been looking around at other “successful” creators on Substack and it’s been slowing me down. too much analyzing. too much comparing.
it’s pretty damn clear that i’m not moved by the same metrics as other creators (or any metrics at all for that matter) and i’m most fulfilled when i follow my inspiration.
soooo… let’s get into today’s theme du jour.
today i want to discuss intimacy. la intimidad. L'intimità.
this topic is on my mind because i found myself watching and rewatching a video i created… something i love very much. a treasure that brings me peace. every time i watch it, i’m reminded of how divine and hopeful i can feel…
and it felt intimate. too intimate to share? i wondered.
in this video, i’m in my bedroom sitting at my desk, and the lamp light is shining softly on my face , and i’m playing my ukulele and singing a tune that lulls and sways like a proper lullaby. in the background a candle flickers on a piece of art my sister made that says “si se puede” …
what you can’t see is the copita de barro with the shot of mezcal i poured before i began playing. i do this every so often as a way of inviting my ancestors into the room with me so i can intentionally welcome them to be part of my experience.
what you can’t hear is that as i played my songs that night, i heard, for the first time, a stadium of voices singing my lyrics with me, a rising and falling cascade of voices matching my every word, meeting each note in unison. my whole body buzzed with resonance.
it wasn’t my imagination.
i’ve never made any effort to envision this scenario or even believed it to be possible.
but there it was in my ears amplified. the sound of thousands of voices reverberating throughout my body.
and the possibility was born.
ya’ll.
i don’t mean to say that i’m going to be selling out stadiums but…
if this experience, in all of its auditory and somatic realness, remained BEYOND my imagination, it could never exist within the realm of my 3D experience.
The things is:
we need to feel it before it can be.
dream it, before it can be. (ever wonder why your dreams feel so real?)
anyway, i don’t think stadiums are my vibe.
BUT — this experience generated such a deep sense of knowing, validation, encouragement.
as someone who is actively building my self-worth outside of external praise and validation, this was pretty fucking important.
just some months ago I was connecting with a spiritual friend of mine and was grateful that she held space for me as I cried over how lonely, how lost i felt. that for every encouragement, pep talk, warm word of support i offered others, i felt I received nothing in return.
there is no one like me, for me, I said.
and she said, it’s funny that you forget how supported you actually are.
she was right. i didn’t want her to be right (so i could wallow in my self-pity some more), but then i’d be denying the fact that i’d been cultivating a relationship, an extremely nuturing relationship, with the divine beings guiding my path in this world. who are constantly applauding me. celebrating me. literally singing my praises.
and as a result, i had discovered what makes me truly happy.
and embracing it passionately has changed the course of my life.
so what does this have to do with intimacy? (let’s reign it in here, nonlinear mind)
well, i could spend months researching this topic — reading up on what all the social scientists, psychologists, thought leaders and influencers have to say… bell hooks immediately came to mind because her book “all about love” changed my life by demystifying all of the struggles that stand in the way of love which really boils down to one thing and one thing only.
we struggle to love and connect (i.e. build intimacy) because we avoid the truth.
the truth about ourselves. our pasts. our patterns. our problematic ways of relating with the world and its people due to our conditioning (which isn’t our fault).
and when we avoid ourselves, we seek truth outside of ourselves.
we choose (consciously or unconsciously) instead to identify with a mainstream narrative of love, connection, intimacy that has been fed to us via our media which was designed to control and suppress us. to keep us in our boxes doing our assigned roles.
trapped in a power dynamic that denies us of discovering our unique, authentic potential (which exists outside of gender and beyond heteronormative patriarchal institutions *ahem* tho same-sex couples often perpetuate this unfair dynamic given its the what people know best).
AND THEN, ON TOP OF THAT, they tell us that intimacy is something that can only exist between two people.
i call bullshit.
indeed, we can experience intimacy all by ourselves.
because intimacy is a communion of truths.
not necessarily between two people but between selves.
when the past self meets the present self, when the past self melds into present self and our minds and bodies are conscious of our becoming.
the moment of awareness. followed by another and another and another.
sustained presence. without judgement.
this is the way we step into the arena of infinite possibility and deep, soul-satisfying connection.
i’m no expert.
but i’d bet that it’d be a good practice to cultivate intimacy with yourself before you’re able to generate true intimacy with another person.
And it starts with awareness.
awareness. the blessing that has catalyzed every great change i’ve ever experienced and will continue to experience.
ok, well.
i guess what i started out wondering was: am i ready to show you what one kind of intimate connection looks like for me?
and i’ve decided (through the writing of this) that I will share this video with you, my dear subscribers, because intimacy cannot be intellectualized but experienced. and if nothing else, this is what i’m here for. in all of my venus in scorpio leo in the 8th house splendor!
I’m publishing an edited version on my instagram too if you want to read the other story behind this song (bc there’s always more than one angle!)
thanks for watching. and let me know if you’re thinking about intimacy too…. because I want to talk about this more!
lovelovelovelovelove,
vic
Thanks for watching and listening. if you’d like to support me and my work, consider treating me to a coffee. i’d really really like that :) https://ko-fi.com/viclikescoffee